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"Sure, I'll give you an autograph. Don't forget to buy my CD in back from Biden." - President leaving #StateOfTheUnion
The real takeaway from watching the #StateOfTheUnion is, TVs don't need to be any higher definition. #CongressionalPores
"Dear Congress, will you accept this rose?" - The President #StateOfTheUnion
"I disagree with the President."
5 mins later
"Mr. President, over here! Shake my hand!"
#StateOfTheUnion
Why hasn't The Price is Right spun off Plinko into its own show?
17 retweets 25 favoritesAmazon Prime, Hulu, and Netflix walk into a bar because there's really pretty much nothing to watch. #PointsMe
You know your place as a new dad when the wife replaces your photo with one of the baby on her phone. Truthfully I lost to the dog long ago.
17 retweets 43 favoritesHappy Betty White's 93rd Birthday to you!
54 retweets 50 favoritesDid you know "namaste" translates to "I think I'm better than you"? #PointsMe
Wife said, "We should ask to see a lactation consultant. They may have tips." I replied, "they're called nipples, not tips. Lesson 1."
16 retweets 30 favoritesI'm calling BS on that show 'I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant.'
21 retweets 53 favoritesFollow @ThatsMy_Wife who's currently live tweeting the birth of their child. Maybe they'll name the baby after you.
If you look at your toaster and say, "strudel," 3 times, the Toaster Strudel kid will appear and murder you and your family.
20 retweets 21 favorites
I'm a white Tisha Campbell. Stand-up comedjian seen on Conan, The Pete Holmes Show. I won the internet on @midnight. http://www.instagram.com/bethstelling
I'm on tour. Check http://tour.azizansari.com for tickets. Bye.
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