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Whenever my phone dies, it's an opportunity to re-experience life as a human being interacting with others and remember how miserable it is.
10 retweets 6 favorites
Everyone got an extra new year's kiss last night. You see, at midnight, I kissed each and every server that stores our users' personal data.
6 retweets 8 favoritesWe shortened it to 'Year in Review' from our original title of 'Year That You Carefully Curated and Presented to Your Friends in Review."
9 retweets 3 favoritesThe cash I get from your data is the reason for the seizin'.
11 retweets 5 favoritesThere are two men who keep tabs on all of you, gather data on what you like and intrude on your lives. I get vilified; Santa gets a holiday.
19 retweets 16 favoritesAt Facebook, we're moving away from calling all of you "users." It's more honest to just call you "the used."
23 retweets 12 favoritesI'm going to especially exploit the idiots who have posted that chain-letter-type status update declaring their right to privacy.
15 retweets 7 favoritesMTV is still in a commercial break that started in '09.
15 retweets 25 favoritesWhen it's cold, I press my face against a server. I'm warmed by its heat output. And by my knowledge that it's chewing through your lives.
14 retweets 15 favoritesMaking a "Facebook for Work" site that lets employees collaborate because I want to expand into the 10% of time you're doing work at work.
14 retweets 12 favoritesI hope Facebook's new donation button for fighting Ebola doesn't water down our trademark pointlessness too much.
12 retweets 7 favoritesGoogle+ profile pages are way better than Facebook ones if you need to quickly find out what somebody was up to two years ago.
27 retweets 18 favoritesHey, you. Yeah, you. That status you posted on Facebook has gotten way fewer likes than you were hoping for. How can you live with yourself?
12 retweets 10 favoritesI hate Halloween because people are wearing masks and enjoying too much privacy.
44 retweets 26 favoritesTrick-or-treating is stressful when you've already used your best trick on over a billion people.
7 retweets 9 favoritesMy advertising platform is wearing a 'social networking website' costume.
29 retweets 11 favoritesOur lives are so documented online that I long for the days when a guy could throw a body in the river without being tagged in the activity.
24 retweets 13 favoritesToday ends the week of sharing tweets from my other account, @afterthatsummer. If you liked them, follow it. If you didn't, hate-follow it.
What's a good iPad app for reducing one's dependence on technology?
26 retweets 14 favoritesYou know how people salivate at the mere sight of food? That's how I get whenever I see someone new sign up for Facebook. So, all the time.
2 retweets 5 favoritesTwitter may be over capacity or experiencing a momentary hiccup.
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